Bittersweet Beginning

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After 23 years of not knowing where my baby was or anything going on with him, God finally gave me closure on this matter. I know where he is today and I know what’s going on with him. Since my heart was too soft to leave my dear husband to his own devices, God used him to reveal the truth about my youngest son.

A week ago today, my ‘baby’ revealed his true identity when he walked over to my broken-down and dead Jeep to take my worthless and broke husband home with him. Instead of helping his mother that he was taken from, he chose a deadbeat father that wouldn’t even take care of his own two boys. He surrendered his parental rights to keep from paying child support because he is too lazy and stupid to work. If he’s more of a father than his own father, what was the point of taking him from me to begin with? I could’ve done a better job than they did! At least he would have manners, morals, respect, ethics, and he would know what boundaries are and where to draw them. My Joshua is a spoiled rotten brat today thanks to his grandmother. He says I want and she says ok. He has no boundaries, no morals, no manners, no ethics, and no respect for people. Yet says he took Will because he had nowhere to go. Will tried to say I kicked him out. Another lie! As much as I wanted to, no. I have more of a heart than that. I live by the Golden Rule today. Neither of us had ever been to the state of Delaware before (or so he says). I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, so I did not do that to him (as much as I wanted to). Now, I don’t give two craps what happens to the man. I’d be more than happy to bury his sorry ass! He’s a worthless piece of crap taking up valuable space on earth that could be used for other purposes. But my Father already knows that, so he won’t be on earth much longer. He’ll take care of Will just like He did, RJ and George. I’m not worried about it. My enemies are establishing my footstool as I write this. His ‘loving’ grandmother is on her way out now for igniting the fire. Spoiling a child with whatever they desire and not applying discipline is the reason kids are so uncontrollable and dangerous today. “Spare the rod, spoil the child”

My Father protected me the last 23 years from his toxic behavior and cruel intentions. My son was born of a good tree; therefore, he is a good man. In what manner, I’m still trying to figure that out. However, his behavior and what he has been taught to believe and think is the rottenness within him. I feel like he has my heart, a pure and genuine heart. But if he is only nice and loving to me when I have money, then he needs to be taught the biggest life lesson there is! The word: NO! Until he comes to me so I can help God change his behavior and ways, he is closed off and blocked from me. His father and entire family can die a painful and slow death and then go rot in hell for what they’ve done to my son. I definitely could’ve done a better job than they did. But they already know that or they wouldn’t have kept him from me growing up. He didn’t even ask for child support from me because then I would’ve known where he was and could’ve gotten him back.

I don’t know my baby as a 25-year-old man today so I can’t miss what I never had but I can miss the little man that used to give me hugs and kisses whenever I was depressed, sad, crying, or for absolutely no reason at all. My one-year-old, my 22-month-old little man is what I miss. He is who I knew. I don’t know the man that took the extra weight off my shoulders, or the man that solved my problems, or the man that left me stranded in a state I had never been to before when he did all but beg me to come there. I do not know this man and I’m glad I don’t. I don’t want to know him!

But this is only the beginning! I do not give up! I stepped back to process and ponder my next steps, not to disown him. God has His work to do and I have mine. I know I am the example. I know this is my pack to lead. Another approach with God’s perfect timing is now necessary.

In regard to my well-being, I’m out of the state of Delaware. I’ve had a shower, teeth cleaned and clean clothes. Laundry has been done and coffee is great every morning. I enjoy the silence in the morning with my coffee as my Father and I spend time together. I miss the mountain air but it’s somewhat country here. Not all that comfortable for me but at least I’m safe and alive. I’ve got work to do and words to write.

Petition · Reunite Church and State for Our Children’s Future – United States · Change.org

heathershutch.com

So, as in times past, this is only a healing and strengthening vacation. I will be reestablished, renewed, refreshed, and then released. A divorce celebration is planned, a reunion is long overdue, and a very prosperous life is waiting for us. When I leave here, I will never have to worry about my finances ever again; I will have a newer Jeep to travel in; and I will have a clearcut path in front of me with whatever details required for the journey ahead. First destination: Nashville, TN (in honor of George)

However, I am very happily preparing for my grand return to Delaware later this year. Upon divorce, my legal name will return to Heather M Ryan, my birth name. I was Davis only by adoption, not by blood (unless otherwise proven), is not my birth-given name, not by any other means, than adoption. Yes, that means I was adopted twice. I was a very fought over child that grew into a very fought over woman. Many men have fought over me for many different reasons; however, none ultimately prevailed. I will remain a single, sought-after bachelorette for the rest of my days. I may date from time to time just to remember the actual feel of a man and to feel like a human woman again, but my heart is shut off to emotions. I haven’t been in love since George, and I couldn’t feel anything but sadness and sympathy for my husband. He never gave me a wedding; I never said ‘I do’; I never promised him a damn thing because he wouldn’t keep a job long enough to plan anything. He quit his job two weeks after we married. I knew then that I had made a H-U-G-E mistake! I tried to get it annulled, but my Father shut every door on me and made me wallow in my misery. Then He got tired of me begging for my boys, so He gave me what I wanted just to show me why He put a wall between us. Now I understand! But my Father will NEVER allow any man to marry me when he won’t keep a job or provide for his family? My grandfather wouldn’t allow it, and neither will my own Father allow it. He was given multiple opportunities, but he blew them all with fireworks, this one being the grand finale. My Father is in total control this time. I’m just sitting back and doing what I’ve been called and anointed to do.

Mother’s Day 2026

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After 23 years, I drove from sunset to sunrise just to get to my baby boy! But my baby boy ain’t a baby anymore. A reunion I never saw coming, I never expected; a bitter sweetness that never tasted so good. I still can’t find the words. It’s a feeling, an emotion I’ve never experienced before. As I sit here and write this, I am in the middle, Joshua on my right and my husband on the left. This is a feeling, an emotion, I don’t ever want to lose! Sunday was the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had. It was my third Mother’s Day with Joshua, but it was the best.

While God continues to work on Branton and that situation, I’ll stay right here with my baby boy (above the Mason-Dixon line). I’ll move and go anywhere they want. These two grown men are the only men that will ever bring me to my knees, that hold the ability to break me, to crush me, to kill me. I live and breathe only for these two grown men, Branton and Joshua.

Testimony!

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For about the past month, maybe longer, I have felt God working in me, through me and around me. I could feel something coming and something about to happen. My apartment complex and my husband have not only tasted God’s wrath, but they have also witnessed His wrath this past week, weekend and yesterday. “Three strikes and you’re out!”, says the Lord. Yesterday morning I took my husband to Statesville, dropped him off, wished him the best in life and said goodbye for the last time. However, before I did that, God gave me a hope that I clung to because it was the only lifeline I had. I needed a reason to hope. I needed a reason to stay. I needed a reason to keep going; a reason not to give up. I needed Him!

Yesterday, I received a miracle (not MY miracle, but God gave me a miracle), a dream come true and one answered prayer (the one I doubted the most!). My Father gave me what I needed most in life when I least expected it and when I had almost given up. He gave me life; He gave me light; He gave me the very last… I’m in awe! I still can’t fathom or believe what He did. Even if it was only but for a moment. That moment… I’m having a hard time right now finding words because I wish you people could see and understand what I do. I can’t explain my life. I can’t find the words!

Sunday night, I was rudely awoken by loud music around 1:30 in the morning. I shut my mouth, my window and tried to go back to sleep. All in vanity! So, I made up my mind to return to Egypt. I had a plan and I intended to carry it out until my Father interrupted me and said, “No, My daughter! Wrong direction! One step at a time.” Honestly, I’ve had enough of America, her man-made laws and our so-called American rights and the lack thereof. I’ll address this issue later this year when God tells me to. I know I’m not the only one with righteous anger! God is about to move people; get ready!

When God speaks, He speaks!!! I got on my messenger and started looking for an old friend and student of mine in Egypt that is now in their government. I didn’t find him.

I found my baby instead!

His father ripped him from my arms the day before Easter 2003. He was 2 years old. I have looked and looked for him for years. When I lived in Brooklyn, NY, I heard from somewhere that he was attending a Yankee’s game up in the Bronx. So, I jumped on that D train and went to the Bronx in search of my son! I went with anger and bitterness in my heart. I wanted vengeance! I looked and looked all over that stadium and their grounds for him, but I went home in tears as usual. I honestly never thought I would ever see or talk to him again. I was beginning to think that he was dead, but he is very much alive and well. So, I did what I do best and blew his Facebook up until I got an answer.

Yesterday, I spent all evening talking with my youngest son until I couldn’t stay awake any longer. He’s a night owl like I used to be. The healing that came to my heart is unexplainable. I’ve never felt anything like it in my entire life! I cried like a baby last night and most of the day yesterday waiting for the shock to go away so we could talk to each other. My Joshua (after Joshua 24:15) was just as happy as I was to have finally found each other. As long as I have one of my boys, my feet will remain grounded! While I have never had the pleasure of spending a Mother’s Day with my oldest son, this year I will spend my 3rd Mother’s Day’s with my Joshua, my baby, if it is God’s will.

I’m beginning to understand the purpose of everything and what I have been called to do; the purpose of my writing; pieces are slowly coming together and making more and more sense. My Father made me crazy for a reason! And later this year, I do believe we’ll all find out why. I’m just as eager to know myself. I feel as if I have been walking blind my entire life, just following Jesus and the Holy Spirit wherever He takes me. And to be completely honest, I am scared to death because I know the opposition I am about to face. However, Joshua 1:9 reminds not to be afraid, not to be discouraged because He is always with me wherever I go. My life is full of witnesses from Egypt to America, take your pick.

I am God’s! I am His welcome and His wrath! I can be your best friend or your worst nightmare; the choice is yours! (Wasn’t Jesus killed because they said He blasphemed too!) Here’s another piece of the puzzle I was so kindly reminded of yesterday during this miracle.

In 1999, on November 27, I had my first (documented) suicide attempt over at 279 S Wall St in Elkin. I was pushed over the edge, mentally; I fell and cracked wide open like Humpty Dumpty. I died in that house in the living room. 3 days later, I was brought back to life and thrown in Broughton for 6 days. Don’t believe me? Go talk to Roby Dean and Phyllis Wilcox. By all human standards, I should be dead, ten times over. My Father put me back together and molded me to be fearless… with a purpose and a mission. I was 22 years old. Honestly, I’m still working on being totally fearless but no, I’m not there yet. They still terrify me to this day, but you will NOT see me shed another tear when I stand before either one.

Y’all think my words are mine, WRONG! I write what my Father gives me. If I write something of my own that He doesn’t agree with, eventually it disappears forever. I’m learning just like everyone else. I’m not perfect nor do I claim to be.

For all you haters out there: While my husband feeds on your attention; I feed on your rejection! I love when people underestimate me and then God proves them wrong!!! Right now, y’all are making me stronger than I’ve ever been. I pray daily that God keeps me humble because I do understand why y’all think my pride is in the way but if you walked in my shoes, if you lived my life, if you knew what I know but can’t find the words to say, you’d understand. But I can’t make anyone see or understand anything. ‘You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink it.’ I understand why people are scared of me. I scare myself half the time too because it’s even hard for me to fathom everything. I’m human too, no different than you. I bleed the same blood you do. It becomes harder and harder for me to carry a conversation with people these days because the words won’t come out of my mouth the way I intend for them to. They get twisted, construed, taken out of context and I get frustrated because I can’t communicate, but when my Father puts words in my mouth, trust me when I tell you, I won’t shut up even if I try until He’s done speaking.

By the way, I understand the trinity better than anyone can possibly imagine. Since I have been called a fraud among many other things, I will say this: I am Heather M Smith. I am Heather M Ryan. I am Heather M Davis. I am God’s daughter, mess with us and He will pounce all over you! No weapon forged against us will EVER prosper! We call do all things through Christ who strengthens us!

Heather M Ryan, Branton J Wilcox and Joshua S Davis: WE ARE ONE!

God is with me; are you?
Join our journey @ heathershutch.com
Let’s see where God takes us!

This is my testimony!!!

No Hope for Humanity!

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I challenge Trump, every person and every country that claims to be ‘Christian’ to live according to God’s law and His word. You cannot separate God and State and expect things to run smoothly. How has it worked so far since y’all separated God from His land? Is anyone happy other than the elite living life on their yachts or golf courses? Me, personally, I’m tired of everything; your hypocrisy, your lies, your deception, your treachery, your insults, your criticism, your judgments, your greed, your prideful entitlements. When I leave this world, I’m taking Satan and all his little minions with me!

THE REAL PROBLEM: The world has taken God out of EVERYTHING!

THE CHALLENGE: Live the life your faith teaches you to live.

Unite God back to His land (Church and State)

Massive revivals including baptisms IN rivers

Everyone MUST sell what they DO NOT use. (all collections, all property, all improper clothing, all non-essential jewelry) Keep only what is needed to survive (ex. one home, one vehicle, food, proper clothing). Profits given to the church for God’s people. (If we take care of each other, God will always take care of us.) God’s church is supposed to be our government, not crooked politians that dictate how they think we should live! Last I knew they were not God; therefore, they do not have that authority. You can argue with me all you want that God put them in that position and quote scripture regarding this, but I know (from experience) that Satan blesses people too.

Acknowledge and observe Saturday as God’s given Sabbath. Work six days and rest on the seventh. Entire country shuts down every Saturday, with the exception of Healthcare. Jesus taught people that healing and those in need of a physician deserve continual care, even on the Sabbath. Preparations for the Sabbath is done on Fridays, no different than when Jesus walked this earth.

Begin each week the same way we do now, church services on Sunday mornings, family gatherings or events afterwards, helping a neighbor and football.

Education in God’s law and word should be MANDATORY and taught in ALL schools. And the teaching of evolution banned! God’s people need to know His law and how He says to live daily life according to His word.

Only God’s leaders should be ordained to marry people. If a ceremony is not performed in the eyes of society for all to acknowledge and celebrate, it should not be legal or accepted. God DOES NOT permit same sex marriage so why should His people?

Any state that does not comply with God’s commandments should be exiled from the country (church states) and should be forced to fend for themselves. Should any person from said states commit a crime against God’s country, the death penalty should be enacted to eradicate God’s enemies. If you are one of God’s people living in an exiled state, you can contact whichever church state you choose and a helping hand to bring you home will be extended.

Will you walk away sad and depressed like the rich young fellow did when he asked Jesus how he could have eternal life?

I hear a lot of “Christians” talk about what they think is right and what they think is wrong with the world and society today. New flash… WE are what’s wrong with the world! Everyone’s right in their own eyes. Everyone’s right from their own perspective. What is normal? Who is normal? Why are there so many psychiatric problems in today’s generation? Why is everyone on some kind of medication? What is autism? Where did that even come from? Who is responsible for creating all these diagnoses? If Jesus conquered Satan and death, then what’s going on in the world today? Someone is lying and someone is wrong!

I have lost all hope for humanity! I look forward to burning in hell with the rest of the rotting flesh on earth because that’s where everyone is headed. For you people that think you know the end times, think you’re a scholar on end times, think you’re a professional on end times… YOU ARE WRONG! You don’t know jack… and neither do I but I can tell you that whatever you think about the end times is wrong. Like Jesus said, only His Father knows, no one else.

The USA was founded and created for religious freedom, founded and created by Christians who wanted and believed they were doing God’s will. The United States of America was founded and created as a “UNITED” country, God and State. Trump wants to ‘Make America Great Again’, UNITE (bring back) God to His land and it will be. (News Flash: Trump, you don’t actually control America, the world, or even anything, but if your ego wants to think it does, Satan is more than happy to oblige you. How do you think you ended up where you are? Satan has blessed you greatly!) Right now, Satan is running this country (and this world) but God is in the process of taking it back!

If no one else will stand for God, I will! I feel Jesus’ pain every day. To make myself clear from now on, I DO NOT call or claim to be ‘Christian’. I said it before and I will say it again. If this is what Christianity is, I want NO part of it! I do not call or claim to be Muslim either. Nor am I Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, or Atheist. I am who I am. I have said that long before I learned God wrote it in the Bible. I am God’s daughter and I believe in ALL of the prophets (yes, that includes Muhammad (SAW)).

My bitterness today comes from lack. Lack of essentials. Lack of gas in my Jeep. Lack of human compassion. Lack of human empathy. Lack of affection. Lack of acceptance. Lack of truth. Lack of human love. I sit here with a fridge full of groceries while I read a post this morning asking for help with food that I can definitely help with but due to lack of gas, I am prevented. I am angry because I can’t help anyone because humanity has stripped me of everything. I am angry because I don’t understand anything. I am angry because I have no food for my pets. I am angry because I borrowed money and it still wasn’t enough to cover everything. I am angry because people don’t wanna do their jobs. I am angry because I am too embarrassed to ask for help because I’m sick and tired of being criticized, judged, insulted and rejected. I am angry because “Good Christians” stole my son, poisoned him against me and have forced me to live with it while they continue to reject me on a daily basis. I am angry because I have no toilet paper, no Puffs for my allergies and no paper towels. I am angry because my husband is in the hospital instead of out here working and helping me survive. Yes, I am very bitter today. This menopause might just kill me after all because I feel like walking into my Father’s house and flipping it upside just like Jesus did! I feel His frustration with humanity. I feel His pain of being rejected and despised. I feel His agony in trying to make people understand. Even Jesus questioned His human emotions when He hung on that cross. “Father, Father, why have you forsaken Me?” I feel forsaken in every way He did yet I know my Father is still here, just like He did. Do not assume to know the contents of my heart.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness.”

Matthew 23:27 NKJV

For those of you that think God doesn’t punish people, again, you are wrong. For those that think Satan doesn’t bless someone, again, you are wrong. I have watched a “Christian” family be blessed for the last 27 years for stealing my son and ruining our family in God’s name. And they think they are going to heaven! I’ll see them in hell along with every other human being. For those of you that think God is only good and He is not capable of evil, to you I say, you have that right! God is only good and when someone needs to be punished, He calls Satan in to do the job for Him. God will not prevent something bad from happening when He knows that His will and good will be the ultimate end result. Me, I’ll never see those end results in my lifetime. Like Moses, I’ve seen the promised land, but I’ll never enter it because of my bitterness. But my Joshua will!

Again, I ask the question: What is normal?

Why Me?

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Recently, I was verbally attacked while standing in front of my own door listening to a neighbor vent about two other neighbors. (“I can be your best friend or your worst enemy; the choice is yours!”) They attempted to involve me in their web of drama. Now I understand why I’ve never had successful friendships with women, they are nothing but drama queens. And then I learn they are the complexes’ most notorious drama queens. Even my Golden Girls, in NY, accused me a being a drama queen and distanced themselves from me, only to realize they are the ones with drama, not me. I live drama-free and if it’s brought to my door, I take care of it immediately. Problem solved!

However, through this inconvenient mess, God revealed something else to me that I don’t like. Why me? He has been using me for years to reveal people’s deepest secrets and bring them to light. Why me? Why? I don’t like it any more than you people do! So, if you have deep secrets you want to keep hidden, stay away from me and don’t cause any problems with me or God will reveal everything through me. What happened to ‘love covers a multitude of sins’? The more I love people, the more they abuse me. I’m done!

I have always gone out of my way to help you people, take care of you people, be good to you people, but not anymore more! I do not like people anymore. I tried to force myself to be sociable again but not now. I have no use for you people! I will no longer go out of my way to help or listen to anyone. You can say my heart has grown cold, but I tell you, it has not. God is protecting me from you animals! My heart will remain tender, zealous, righteous and faithful to God. After my grandparents passed away and I was left naked and vulnerable in this world, God told me that if I will always take care of His people, He will always take care of me. I have obeyed and done what He commanded. I will continue, regardless.

The only thing I have to say is, “I don’t like you!”

So, in conclusion, know, from now on, that if I am nice to you, it is because God commanded me to be and no other reason. I do nothing of my own accord or because I want to. My life has never been my own to control and do as I want, never and now I realize that. I don’t understand why I am different and held to a higher standard than everyone else, but I am and I accept that now. If I approach you for any reason, it is because I am commanded to do so. Otherwise, leave me be in my little corner of this wicked and wretched world!

“The evil one is coming, and he has no part in Me. … He opened not His mouth.” “For he knew that the chief priests had handed Him over because of envy.”

2026: The Future is Here!

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I am happy and excited to announce that my editor is underway with her professional touch. 2026 will bring many new and exciting opportunities for HMRyan as an author and for Heather M Smith as a woman. My goal for 2026 is to have all completed work edited and published by the end of the year. My goal for the first half of 2026 is to get all completed work edited. My goal for the last half of 2026 is to publish, market, and organize book signings and fundraisers.

As a woman, my goal for 2026 is to reach the summit of Stone Mountain, NC. I reached the summit in 2019 before my back surgery, and I haven’t been able to reach it since. Until the temps warm up in the mornings, I plan to work on consistency with attending the YMCA every morning, Monday thru Friday, to workout. My gluttony has some added weight it needs to shed before bathing suit season.

I conquered depression and the pit of selfishness last year. This year I am ready to roar like a lion… “I am Woman! Hear Me Roar!” I have watched the world pass me by long enough. Now, I will get up and get moving. They can all watch me pass by while they stand still. I’ve had enough sorrow, enough self-pity, enough wallowing.

In 2024, God worked with me on Integrity. Last year, 2025, it was Discipline and Self-Control. This year, 2026, God says, “This year, your word is CONSISTENCY. I will teach you how to be consistent while you show integrity in a disciplined and self-controlled manner.” Immediately, I thought to myself… “Great! I failed the integrity test and the discipline and self-control test. What in the world makes Him think He can teach me all of them at once? The only thing I’ve ever been consistent at is hounding my son’s grandparents for the last 26 years. It’s true. I admit it!

“Behold, I do a new thing!” I’m not as eager as I probably should be, yet I am.

Just Released!

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Version 1.0.0

HMRyan

Memoir of a Broken Soul is the 2025 edition of my poetry collection now available only on Amazon. Click below to order your copy today!

Buy Now!

Holy Focus

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A Quick Update!

My writing career is waiting for me on Monday! Now that the light has turned green and God has blessed me with favor beyond all that I could ever dream of, I’m going full force ahead. Get these manuscripts edited, then go talk to a few people. Here I come world! Steady, strong, and fearless!